I feel good.

It’s weird because it feels like so much time has passed since my last blog, but it’s only been a little over a month. But time changes people. In good ways and in bad ones. Some people grow like a flower, blooming and blossoming with each cycle. Some grow like a vine, clinging to the only thing they’ve ever known as their only means of survival, sucking the life out of anything they manage to wrap their tendrils around.

I, am a god damned flower.

Have you ever had one of those days, where you wake up clear headed, with a very clear view of who you want to be as a person, and what you want – and most importantly do not want – for your life? And you’re suddenly so clear headed, that you realize there’s nothing really standing in the way of those things, except you? I like those days. Those days give me the fuel and the drive to pull myself out of any kind of slump I may be in and move on. I am not to blame for anyone’s problems, but my own. Even if some people like to think differently.

I’ve spent the last week more self aware, clear in the mind, and honest with myself that I have been in some time. I enjoy the motivation it gives me to be honest, and the contentment. I can just be… happy.

A connection was severed recently, one that I have had for over a decade, at least. I thought it would be harder and now I’m asking myself why I didn’t sever that connection sooner. I never realized, because I was holding onto something that was no longer there. I may get angry, and I may be the first one to show my anger – but I am also the person to give chance after chance after chance, in the hopes that one day, maybe, things will change. And if I broke that connection too soon, and things changed anyways, would I miss out? Always a fucking what if in my head to keep me from doing something I know deep down I should do anyway. I should have noticed years ago something had changed, and I think a part of me did because my reactions to the friendship changed, and not in a good way. I was no longer completely happy and no longer felt reciprocated and in turn I lashed out and became someone – at times – that I hated. All because of actions and reactions. Sometimes it takes me longer than it should to realize someone is toxic and bad for me and to finally close the door. The last conversation turned into a blame game, and while I can admit my faults and wrong-doings, they could not and I couldn’t play the back and forth game anymore. If someone is always claiming to be a victim, maybe they are, but maybe they’re a victim of their own self perpetuated circumstances. But anyone who always claims to be the victim and at the same time sees themselves as martyr in a friendship is just beyond reason. Especially when that person has addictions and substance abuse issues they are not willing to work on or even admit to having.

If you’ve read any of my past blogs you know I struggle with my own addiction; alcoholism. And if you’ve ever been an addict yourself, are currently struggling, or know someone who is, you know is is damn near impossible to be a recovering addict and be friends with someone who is still a current addict.

I tried.

It triggered my addiction.

Which triggered my anger issues.

Which did not end well.

So as you can imagine, it wasn’t easy, but at the same time, I am feeling a sense of calm. You should never feel like you have to answer to anyone in life, especially someone who refuses to get help. Also, I’m sure if you’ve been in the situation you already know the game of someone trying to deflect onto someone else because that person is doing better and jealously, or resentment, rears the corner. It just wasn’t a good friendship anymore. It just wasn’t right. I just couldn’t do it anymore, for my own mental and physical well being.

There’s another big change coming. I’ll stay cryptic on that one for now, but I have things to look forward to, and a change I’m not scared of. So it will be interesting to see how that turns out. For now, I’m concentrating on taking care of myself, my home, my relationship, and my pets. The things in life that make me that happiest right now. Concentrating on school, filling my brain, and taking the time to relax when it’s important. I’m pretty fucking content right now. And given my ability to slip down a rabbit hole pretty easily, I can say I am genuinely happy with life right now. It’s Friday, the weekend is here, I have things I want to do and organize to motivate myself. The sun is shining, the weather isn’t freezing, I can’t complain.