Yes it may be a New Year – but you’re not really going to see any of this “New Me” hype of out of me this year. No one changes overnight; you can only continue to work on yourself, improve yourself, and not be a general piece of shit. To me that is effort enough. I don’t need to see people metaphorically bending over backwards to change in some way. Just have morals and decency and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

December was a Hell of a month and I’ll be sure to block out the month of December this year so that I don’t spend one of my worst times of the year (I’m always slightly depressed and anxious around the Holidays) feeling like I am a balloon who’s been blown up too much and am dangerously close to a very prickly bush. I don’t tend to take very good care of myself at those times and I’ve lost more weight in the last month than what I am comfortable with. Most people like hearing “Oh it looks like you’ve lost some weight!” I absolutely abhor hearing it because with my metabolism and how fast the weight comes off I feel like they are saying it with a tone of pity and concern in their voice. Way to make me feel like a leper. But I can’t help it. I’ve been this way my entire life. I will have periods where I binge eat like a pregnant woman who’s having triplets – other times I literally have zero appetite. None. No, I’m not bulimic. I don’t binge and purge. It’s like my body decides it wants to eat for a few days – all day – and stack up enough calories like a bear going into hibernation. This is why I smoke weed. Without it, during the times I have little to no appetite, I wouldn’t eat anything if it wasn’t for smoking.

The only thing I want to concentrate on this year is taking better care of myself. Mentally, physically, emotionally… I need to reevaluate a few things and make a few small changes. Easy ones. Mental Health has always been important to me. I’ve struggled with it for years and it wasn’t until I made a few changes about eight or nine years ago that I was finally able to get a handle on it and realize it was possible to not be so angry/volatile/suicidal all the time. I have my anger moments – but they are now so far and few between that they do not cause the damage they used to. I am much more self aware now, even when I’m angry. But I am at the age now where physically, I should start taking a lot better care of myself. With nerve and disc damage in my back, posture, and my lack of physical exercise, I am noticing changes that make me feel like I’m older than 35. Soreness, stiffness, limited mobility in some areas. Naturally, I am a lazy person. I’ll admit it. So, that will be a hard habit to kick. But a good one. For the better good… my health… and I’m sure it would probably be a boost to my mental health as well.

I’ve mentioned drinking on here before and if you follow the blog I might as well give an update. I let myself pretty much drink over winter. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have mentally survived last month had I not. However, it was not excessive, no days of waking up with the shakes, no blackouts, and no aspects of my life being negatively impacted. I actually ended up seeing someone I haven’t seen in quite some time, and was able to spend enough time with them to witness first hand the effects of long-term addiction. I was able to see how this person I used to love and admire more than anything in the world, this person who used to be nothing but a ray of light, this person who used to be one of the happiest people I knew – was now a shell of their former self and how drastically the tides shifted. It was aggravating, heartbreaking, and concerning. I was already actively concentrating on making sure that I didn’t let myself slip off the deep end again – and it was like watching someone drown and knowing you weren’t strong enough to pull them to shore. I realized I couldn’t risk it. I could only do and say so much for the fear of being pulled under the surface again. Because I know, deep down, that if I never let myself step off that ledge again, it could kill me. Quite literally. Thankfully that situation is over, and while it has taken me longer than expected to sort my emotions out and not let them drive me to excessively drink, I know I am on my way and that feels great. Waking up sober feels amazing. And makes me grateful for having the strength, and flat out drive, to push myself in the right direction.

School will also be a big concentration. I tend to easily get in the mode where I constantly slack off on things and I gave myself last month to do that. I couldn’t have concentrated on class and everything else that was happening at the same time anyways. To be honest, I never really grew up hearing “you can be anything you want to be in life” so that mentality took a long time to adopt. I mean, I heard it on TV shows and in school and on programs made for educational purposes – but not from the people it really would have mattered hearing it from. I never heard it from people who would have made a dent in the way I thought about myself. It was always white-noise coming from somewhere that said that because “that’s what you should always tell kids.” Look how well the “Don’t Drink & Do Drugs” motto worked out for most of us. When I finally did realize that I could do anything I wanted (within reason here; we’re talking about going back to school, not robbing a bank) it was kind of this liberating, uplifting epiphany. And realizing that there’s really nothing standing in my way but me? That made it even easier. My class-block expires at the end of March. If I don’t complete it by then I have to pay in full all over again just to continue. I have 3 months to get it together.

It feels good to write after taking a break for a month. I think this blog is probably a lot more positive than the last few. I’m hoping to make some changes on here soon and add a page for my painting and photography. It would be nice to be able to share that here along with the thoughts and randomness going on in my life. I hope anyone reading this had a good Holiday Season; and if you’re struggling just please know, you are not – now or ever – alone! Reach out. It’s worth it. You are worth it. Life, is worth it.