The words just haven’t been there enough to write the last few weeks. It’s been two months since I’ve written something on here and yet I’m still apprehensive if I’ll be able to finish.

I keep questioning myself lately, and how I’m feeling. It’s not quite anxiety, and it’s not quite depression either. But it is a strange catatonic feeling; as if all motivation and energy is gone. I’m easily annoyed and easily have no problem cancelling plans to stay home in my “comfort zone.” Every day during the week I spend my entire work day waiting until I can go home and put comfortable clothes on, grab my favorite blanket and pillow, and sit in my spot on the couch and watch an episode of a show or movie I’ve already seen. I don’t want to talk on the phone, I delay texting people back, and I don’t start conversations. Unfortunately, all of this is also making me question my job. I’m really not in the mood to change jobs and have a possible commute but it’s looking more and more like it’s in the future.

With everything being on some sort of restriction, the mandated masks, and the lack of normalcy, I feel like these are only the beginning stages of going insane. It’s one thing when changes happen over time or you move to a place you know is going to change your way of life, but to just have it thrown on top of you like a trash pile is rough. It kind of just hits you one day and everything feels like a heavy weight on your chest. The media is full of things designed to incite fear and mass gossip. People can’t talk about anything other than politics and in some cases religion, and I’m just sitting here wishing I could go some place peaceful and quiet and without a bunch of people.

Another thing I’ve noticed lately is the general compassion, tact, and respect (for one’s self as well as others) has almost completely disappeared. I was in the store last Friday – one well known for the “unique” demographic you usually see inside – and not only did it seem like people were walking faster than usual and almost in a hurry, but in the entire hour that I was there I did not hear a single person say “excuse me”, “please”, or “thank you.” Same thing with the small convenience store I stopped at on the way home to grab a couple of small items. Even the cashier agreed with me on that one. People say that even people’s driving has gotten aggressive – but being from the Bay Area of California and driving there for 12 years, I haven’t noticed because that’s basically the way I drive anyway, so… But generally speaking, people are turning into assholes. I’m already an introvert, and have never really liked having to deal with multiple people at once (I try to stay away from crowded areas if I can). But now it’s getting to the point where I am turning into somewhat of a misanthrope. I literally despise having to go out and shop for household things knowing I’m going to encounter assholes. It automatically puts me in a crap mood. It’s awful. And one person like that in particular just made me recently update my resume. Let’s put it that way.

I am looking forward to a trip coming up soon. It will be a much welcome distraction. I want to feel like I’m hiding. This weekend I’m trying to get out even if it’s just a random road trip in a giant circle. Who cares. I need the release.

However, I have gotten back to painting and woodworking. I finally motivated myself enough to clean up my craft room and get back to my creative outlets. It feels good to create and watch something transform into a finished work of art. Gardening too. I planted some California Poppies just for sentimental sake. I do miss California sometimes. Deeply.

I’m hitting a wall and don’t have much to write, so, instead of rambling, au revoir for now….