It’s Back…

I can see it again; the rabbit hole opening up. I can hear it; screaming at me inside my head. With each tap of the keyboard I can feel it; all of the built-up thoughts & words, insecurities, dreams, hopes, fears, all of it crashing together like waves in the ocean. So much of it has mixed together now, creating currents I can’t control, and now it’s hard to make sense of anything.

I don’t want to write this. I have zero desire to be doing this right now. However, I feel like if I let my fingers at least try to pull some of this out of my subconscious then maybe I can breathe without feeling like I’m buried alive. Maybe, I can sleep without the nightmares. Or maybe I can just get rid of the fucking sour taste in my mouth that’s keeping me in a foul and annoying mood. I mean, at this point, I’m annoyed with myself. So dealing with anyone else right now is pretty difficult. This rollercoaster is making me nauseous. I feel pushed away, lonely, tired, fed up, forgotten, angry, upset, depressed, apathetic, confused, scared, and most importantly, isolated. My initial reaction, when I used to start feeling like this in the past, was pure, deep seeded anger. I would see red. I would let myself see red because it was easy, I knew how to handle it. And I lost control, too many times. I can’t begin to explain how many times I broke things, damaged property, hurt myself, sometimes others, just because I was pissed and I let it boil over like a volcano, destroying everything I touched. Now after learning how to control that anger and not let that happen, I think differently. My head is a little more clear, I can separate thoughts and feelings easier. I’m not destructive.

But, this brings its own challenges. Because I can handle anger better than sadness. Sadness makes my eyes puffy and my nose red from wiping it constantly. It makes my stomach empty and ache. It clouds my head and gnaws on the inside of my forehead until I feel like I want to throw up. And lately it’s not anger that is causing me to be in a slump and not write or want to socialize. It’s sadness. And it’s incredibly hard to explain why. And frankly I don’t even want to jump on that ride. I’ve had enough for the day and it’s not even noon yet.

I just want to close my eyes, and wake up to the sun shining, and this dark cloud full of rain to be gone. Back on it’s rotation to leave me at peace for a while before I have to eventually be under it again.