Today a countdown begins. I have 18 days to go.

I’ve been struggling with something for a long time. I’m not exactly sure I want to go into details just yet, but I want that something to go away in 18 days. I want control again. I want to feel better, both physically and mentally. I’m sick of fighting this and constantly losing because I’m too exhausted to fight. (Before you go getting all concerned, this has nothing to do with another person or relationship). I’m sure I’ll get into the details in the next few posts or so, but lets just not mention what “It” is for now. Like I’ve said in the past, I like to keep some things private. At least until I’m sure of the outcome.

I’m so sick of the anxiety all of this causes. How it will just hit and come out of nowhere. I’ll be sitting at a desk working or watching TV and suddenly I realize that I haven’t been breathing. Subconsciously, my body just decided that it didn’t need air anymore. I’ll take a deep breath, as deep as possible until it feels like my lungs are going to burst, trying to get air flow back into them. After, my breathing returns to normal, but I notice it’s shallow. All of this causes my mind to now focus and worry. I check my pulse and of course it’s high from the deep breath. I feel cold. I can’t tell if I’m actually cold, or if I just want the security of a blanket wrapped around me. My palms and the soles of my feet get sweaty, almost to the point where I want to hold onto a towel. Now every single sensation I feel, whether it be the goosebumps or the hair on my head moving slightly because of the fan, my mind has a mini split-second panic attack. Am I ok?

This cycle continues for an entire day at times. Making me sleep a deep and heavy sleep from the exhaustion of it all. On top of all of this, my left eye has been bothering me for a couple of weeks, and I’ve started wearing my glasses more for the last three days. I constantly feel like I have something in it, or it waters and my vision gets blurry and I can’t focus to read. Without even thinking about it, I will start rubbing my eye and lightly scratching my lower eye-lid, until my eye is red and itchy and most likely inflamed. Migraines also happen here and there, right above my left eye (then again, my entire life any time I’ve gotten a migraine, it’s on that side). With the Government shut-down, my eye-doctor is on limited hours and booked for the next month. So there goes that option, for now. I just try not to think about it too much.

But isn’t that the fucked up part? Don’t think about it? But you have to tell yourself to not think about it. And in turn, by doing so, you’re thinking about it. It’s difficult to live with anxiety. To constantly question yourself and doubt everything, to play scenarios out in your head so you have a plan for every possible outcome. To observe things differently from most people. To be so tired that you can’t do anything, because you don’t know where to start. It’s all so overwhelming. Should I shower? Should I get dressed? Should I clean my closet that’s been a mess for months? Put that pile of laundry away? Go outside and get some sun because people say Vitamin-D helps with moods and shit? I mean, fuck! And then you laugh when people ask you why you’re so quiet. Because to them it may be quiet, but inside my head it’s excessively loud. And it takes me a minute to answer because I have to somehow cut the cord to all of the noise and come back into reality and say something. Don’t even get me started on how bad it can get when it’s that lovely time of the month and hormones are all over the place and estrogen levels are playing jump rope. It’s enough to want to scratch the paint off the walls with your bare hands just to feel something else.

You’d think, after three years, that I would have learned to deal with it a little better. But see, that’s the thing about anxiety, it’s always evolving, changing, finding new avenues in your brain to travel through and create chaos. The minute you learn how to handle the anxiety you currently have, it changes itself so you have to work with it again. Like it’s fucking lonely and wants attention. Or a stalker, that fucking lives in your head. Lovely, right? And before you ask, no, I’m not on medication for it. And I refuse to be. I have a highly addictive personality and have had issues with pills in the past. Plus, I was on meds when I was younger and it made me fucking psycho. So, no pills.

I seriously cannot believe it’s May already. Shit….