I feel stretched thin. My days have been blurring themselves together, and I find myself crawling deeper and deeper inside my own head to try and get away from it all. But that’s hard to do when that is where all the noise is coming from.

        The season is changing, the weather is getting colder, and so is my heart and mind. This happens every year, I’m accustomed to it at this point. However, it’s still a drain on my mental health, and quickly after it will begin to drain my physical health as well. I’ve gone back to the age old question of “What am I running from?” But, the bigger question is; am I running at all? Because to me, it feels like I’m standing completely still, as if my feet were part of the asphalt that has long since dried and trapped me in place. I don’t feel like I’m moving in any direction – at least not positively. I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of the monotony that I have let creep inside. I “Nested” so to speak, I created a place and threw myself inside and although it was a source of comfort in the beginning, it’s become a prison. 

        Now that the days are getting darker earlier, I find myself not wanting to do much of anything. Some say it’s good to take time to yourself here and there. I say I’m wasting time. There’s so much more I could be doing if I only had the motivation. And where… where does that even come from? I can talk myself up for days, hours, whole nights… but does that mean when it comes down to it, that I will be “motivated” enough to accomplish my goal? Even if it’s a simple task such as grocery shopping? I’ve done it thousands of times, it’s nothing new. But once I walk through the doors, get the shopping cart, and start my journey – everything becomes overwhelming and I find myself just getting the bare necessities because, I can always order take-out, right? Anything else I may possibly need, can’t I find it on Amazon? Surely, there has to be another way. 

        It feels silly to write that, but it’s incredibly true. It’s almost crippling. It becomes very easy not to take care of myself, not to get enough sleep, not to eat, not to even shower and brush my teeth if I don’t have to. It’s not that I’m happy this way, it’s not that I feel fulfilled, but I have become content. And sometimes I fear that is far worse.